BYE!

hello hello hello. well, i see blogger is finally back to normal, after a whole season of error. well, here's to say that i am not going to be using this account much more anymore. I'll most likely be blogging at [renew-sanctuary.livejournal.com] I might come back once in a while to see who's this really nice person who'll keep by my blog. haha

see ya soon peeps! =]

You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.You are very demanding - and insisting on total involvement but you do not reciprocate with the same depth of feeling. However, it could well be that maybe an unprecedented surprise is awaiting you in the near future. For just as one whilst paddling in the sea, could flounder into a whirlpool, so you may be drawn into a loving situation that has high emotional demands - and you could well respond with a depth of emotion that you never even dreamed that you possessed.You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?


ok. i really dont know how this might look to people, but i think it describe me, ok. hahaha. you can verify with me. hahahaha


http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/

take the test and find out. hahaha. pfft.

Im back! muahahahahaha, well, i was gonna say after long, then i realised my last post was just 4-5 days ago. hahahhaa. pffft. what..... hahahahaha. i was just looking back on my life, my history, my past. again. yes, again. hahahahaha.

well, i was.....

i was always hounding for attention, looking out for someone to look out for me. never TRUELY loving someome, always waiting for someone to tell me that they loved me, and half the time it was fake attention. pfft. BGR. what is it really. some BIG thing? is it really that BIG after all? technically speaking. how long do most relationships in this time last, 1 yr at max. with the odd few exceptions. but then again, looking back, i always wanted someone's attention! well, now i have unwanted attention.

Looking at it now, i love people, and not just like them. Not for their personality, their character, their good looks, but just love them. Love, cannot be described. You just feel it. and i've been feeling alot of it nowadays. Maybe it's because i've been very loved. =] nt just by my leaders, but also by close friends.

I've really learnt to love the people around me, cliche, but yes. When i almost lost a close friend to the devil, and i didnt even know till recently. Thank God that he's back, but then looking at it, I didnt even know that he was leaving. Some kinda friend i am yeah. I almost lost him, without even knowing, and that has really shown me the phrase, cherish what you have now, for you dont know when you might loose it. That's one friend.

There's another. I wrote about him before. and it really hurts me to see him the way he is now. You dont come online anymore. You've changed. I know you feel that you've changed for the better, and i pray that you will change for the better, but you've changed. major. The energy, the life, all that use to radiate from you, is lost! you always disturb me. and i mean ALWAYS. come back. where are you? i miss the old you. the one who'll although always disturb me, will stay up with me till 4-5 to just pei me. where have you gone? please dont go into hiding. If you read my blog often enough, i think you know who you are. what happened? will you make me smile again.

I miss the old you. Both of you. really missing, meaning, it's been weird having you so far from me. i feel the pain, really. not joking, or smiling, but you really mean alot to me, friends, spiritual family, as brothers. The older brothers who always disturb the younger sisters yeah. I'll always love you, it's because of this that dont you see why i can see when you're hurt, or upset, even if you dont tell me? to me it will always be. and i dont want to loose you like i almost lost him. it hurts to loose something you love alot. and i love both of you alot.

I'm not trying to be emo, or if you think i am. but i just want YOU to realise that it's not just your leaders, sheep, ex mates or current mates who love you. People do love you.

I love you!
I love You God!

I wanted to post about this for so long, and you know what, i just kept forgetting. pffft. Well, i just wanted to say that it was the first time i was ministered to, and prayed and prophesied over that Leonard wasn't there, to ask,"so how are you." He never did say how was it, nor how is it. nor so how? it was never about anything. It was always about me. He always cared about me. LEONARD!!! pfffft NS is stupid. pfffft. It took my leader so far. pffffffffffffffffffffffffft. if not he'd have been there to ask the famous 3 words again. pffft. NS stinks. pffffffffft!!

Oh yes and Eric, I know my worth. =] He died for me. =] that's what im worth. =] and Gabriel, you're skinny, not slim, and you're scrawny, not sexy. hahahaha.

pffft. pffft. pffft. I've been stuck at home. pffft. but you know what, hahahaha i studied. but then, haiz. ARGH! i have so many things to worry about.

well, i have attendance to send in. then i got to worry about one of my friends not going for his training, and all sorts of things. He's not going for trainings, not doing his usher duty properly, and it's been giving all the leaders a really big problem. goodness.. and he's this this this close to back sliding. ARGH!!! i'll pray.. and fast!

also another thing, one of my friend's grandmother just passed away. It really showed me how much you really have to appreciate life as it comes at you. Cliche, i know. but, having had 3 friends who lost family members, I've never been in that situation, but i understand what it feels like to lose someone. A song phrase, you dont know what you've got till it's gone. It really shows hoe much people dont go around appreciating things that go past in their lives. And then when you lose something, then you start crying over spilt milk, saying, oh how i miss you, when you've been quarreling with them before they left. Ever wonder how precious life is? think about this also. The next person may be you. what if? what if? dont let your family cry over your spilt milk.

Well, over the bad things going on, there's one thing that's good. =] I brought a friend to PGSM last friday, and before that, i actually managed to get him to church! haha. true, it's just a normal day in church and not even service, but im so glad that it was a weekday, and there were so many more people to integrate him. hahahahaha. Well, he asked about when people get saved, then asked how i felt when i got saved. i didnt want to elaborate, but told him, why not he come and find out for himself, and asked him to come this friday. muahahahahaha. and then he said mosst likely he will. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. my God is a great God! i love you God! for being an AWESOME GOD!! he said he wanted to give christianity a try, but you know what, i know that once God touches him, there's no longer gonna be a try. =] God will always be here for you man, =] as long as you allow Him in. =] He's not going to force His way into you, but He is a gentle Spirit and He will only come when you ask Him. so, let me ask, are you willing to let him into your life? =]

My God is an awesome God.
I love my life.
I will learn to appreciate.
I LOVE YOU GOD!!!

woots, i spent saturday at home, and now im gonna spend monday all alone at home also. sian right. when i feel that i can be doing so much more. pfft. home's boring. mom wants me to study, not to take on usher, not to go to church this entire week, and not to do anything related to church. ok, if you want me to. But, i cant, coz wednesday i have runthrough, to arrange chairs, i have YA to send to yassy, thursday Im on usher!! woohoo!!

i just got transferred to Big, and i am only ushering one time this entire month!! waaaaaaaaaaaaa. pathetic. pffffft. i wanna usher more lehz jianming. i love ushering. and i will not give up ushering for anything man. woohoo!! =]

then friday, pastor Kong's seminar. saturday i'll be stuck at home again. pffffffft. then sunday. mother's day. even more PFFFFFTTT. haiz. well, you know my situation. pfft pfft pfft. and no SOW next week too!! argh. pffffffffffffffft. pffft pffft pffft.

I love church alot. i will not give it up. expecially when i am "this" close. PREACH! ok pastor. yes, i heard you. and thanks roy. i understand where i stand, hmmm, special kids in church. =] even more challenging. wooo. hahaha. thanks for planting the idea in my head. =]

I love my leaders! =]

Hi everyone I'm back home, after a super long day. I was up around 8+9, to shower, yada yada, to go for an early mother's day dinner with my grandma. Followed by admin in church before service, service, meeting with Jian Ming, meeting with Roy, followed back to back, with a meeting with fifi and Garrett for Pastor Kong's seminar, and followed by a runthrough, well more like many run throughs.

Wow, God is truly accelerating me. More than that, what I want to talk about is what went on during service.

I had been using my strengths too much, making alot of it my pride. I've not been calling out to God, not using his strengths. However, as they sang alleluia to Christ the Lord during service, the presence of God came, and He told me this, stop thinking about everyone around you, and worship me. For since very long, I worshiped. This feeling like never before. wow! and we had an alter call, where Pastor prayed for the leaders, and soon to be leaders. I hesitated. yes, I did. I hesitated, wondering if I was ready, and God spoke saying, if you want to be a leader, why are you still standing here? So , here goes. As pastor Lia prayed over me, all she said was, "Preach! you are going to preach! PREACH!![prodded me in the stomach and yelled] LOVE! PREACH!" as we sang hallelujah, there were no tears. none whatsoever. but as soon as she touched my forehead, I felt all weight leave me. There was no weight, not meaning the kind where you have weight on shoulders, but literally, there was no mass in me. I felt myself, falling against pastor's arm around me, yet I couldn't feel myself. There was nothing in me. I just had a revelation, it says that everything of mine, God can take away. WOW! well, as she touched me, tears came thick and fast. as I fell, I felt ushers catching me, yes, yet there was no feeling in me, all I know was I was sobbing, and crying. For the first time since long when I got prayed for by Pastor Lia, I truly, 100% fell under the presence of God, I have been washed and cleansed. PREACH! LOVE!!!

preach? I never saw myself there before. and as I was talking to Roy after that, he shared about his life, and as he shared, it made me see mine, of whether I was heading in the right direction? well, he did say, not to give up my dreams of working with special children, but to instead looking at it in an overseas perspective, would I ever consider working in church, with special children who might in turn also come to church in the future? I never looked at it from that angle before, and after he said that, things showed a clearer picture. God is indeed changing and accelerating me, from being a nobody since young, I am someone now.

Even at home, where I was always no body, treated wrongly, Eric helped me see, that hey, God still loves you, and that even if I cant do something at home, I can do something for God. Leonard helped me see, that there was someone deep down inside, worthy of something. Roy showed me that, no matter how busy the leaders are, their first main concern is about people. Thank you for showing me all this love and care.

I love my God, I will rise up in usher, and I will be someone of worth.

Thank you leaders! =]

Emo-ism.

Hello everyone. I am today at home, missing my service, due to the surboordinates in singapore. [note to self, never bring surboordinates into sgp from overseas during weekends] Well, he's my dad surboordinate, and it's because of this, I'm here at home, missing my service, and thus able to blog. However, comparatively, I'd rather be at service then at home blogging. Well, I am a litle down, by someone, and i really miss some people.

Green pangs hit hard at the heart after yesterday night. Is it or is it not? Does it or does it not? Yes or No? or am i just being over demanding? and then again. will it ever be? Just because....... But am i going to go over somewhere else, where there's nothing to hurt there? where there's a lot of jokes, and friendship going around? then isn't that being unfair to whichever whoever?

I want to leave. Leaving this greenery behind. Heart of God church, please don't worry It's not you im leaving. But then again. To go somewhere no other has stepped, do i really want to achieve what no one else has reaped? In this case, is it that good? God, take away this foolishness, this nonsense, this hurt, and this paranoid thinkings.

I sound emo. Maybe it's because I am. no no no no no. I am not. hahahaha. because Leonard says that if i get emo and fall into depression, hell freezes over. hahahahahahahahaha. well, truth be told, we all have our bad days, [darn, mine seems like a bad week.] no no no no no. I'm not emo just sleepy i guess.

If you're reading this, you wonder why am i deluding myself, and you're saying that i should just emo myself away? Well, here's to you. I am a child of God. So if you think i'm deluding myself, it's atually the devill trying to make me fall into his trap. Well, i may have put half a leg in, but you know what, I'll take my leg out. I know i can pull it out.

Well, cheers to my first emo post. stop thinking about it. Gabriel i need good cheer. =]It's been great to have a friend like you Gabriel, appreciate it! =] Thanks for everything. =] even if...... hahahahahahaha =]

argh.

I am very bored. I am very tired. I am very tired. I am very stressed.

Baby i need someone to love me.

OK!! I SOUND EMO!! STOP!!!!!

hahahahahaha. well, i am tired, and stressed. But well, i know there'll people who love me! I know of someone who'll call me, just to hear me sing good night. I know of someone who yells at me to tell me I LOVE YOU! I know of someone who'll curse me as a friend. I know of someone who's there to always "wonder". I know of someone who always disturbs me. I know of someone who brings me out. Well, what do you know. People love me. So, I am loved. Very loved in fact. =] hahahahahahahahahaha.

Thank you everyone who loves me! =]

Thank you God for loving me.