Love???

You know, whenever i see people getting attached or see people of themselves and their boy or girlfriends in their pictures. I get jealous. WTH. even i think i'm mad for getting jealous. Is it because i want that guy to like me instead? like that's madness purer than what it originally was.

Is it cause i need someone there for me? Someone who can just be there all the time? Someone to call my own? Then i see. there is. There's God. You might not believe. you might scorn. so what? i know what i hold firm to. God's there for me. maybe not physically, but at least he is there for me in mind. I cannot say that he has been there for me 100%. but then again, maybe i wasn't looking hard enough.

Well, back to ther original topic or BGR photos. i want someone to call my own. to be there for me. then there is church. who will always be there for me. With Sharon, Winifred, Xueli, Pam, Jiansheng, Pan, etc etc.

When i see pics of Jas and Amy. i get jealous because i once loved him but... then i see deeper into those pics, i think. what has jasper become? in his relationship with Amy, has he ended up worst that he was before? either way, i wish the two luck in their relationship.

Then seeing further? Jas is a reminder of where i once came from. a reminder of who i once was, and who i might have one day become. Thankfully, i am out of there, and not in that pit hole.

I might still get jealous that there's no one here for me. but God delivers, doesn't he? Yes i long for someone to be here for me. Here and Now. It might not be jasper, not _______, nor_____. Jessica has tried match making me to whichever whoever. but then? hahaz.

I know where i want to go. I don't want to be samson and end up loving delilah. Loving the wrong man for the wrong reasons. I want my dreams to blow big. with dreams come decisions, dedication and then discipline. To love will cut my dreams. so is it to dream or to let this heart decide? damn i'm at this stupid cross road again. I want my road to Eshtaol. and i never want to end up at Zorah. but to remain at Mahaneh Dan? everyone seems to be here. so am i suppose to be following everyone? But neither do i want to remain at this gate called Mahaneh Dan.

Haha. now i laugh. guess why? i don't even have someone i like!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i love laughing at myself. caause i don't get insulted by me, and i don't insult anyone but me which i technically cant insult so. here goes. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. but well, just people who have been there for me to jabber at, to say all that i need to say, thanks. like Marcus [maybe cause i've been talking to you so much these days], winifred [Friend forever!] and others. you know what. i just realised the two names i put down are siblings. hahaz. wini and marcus are bro and sis. hahaa. wth..

Anyway, who needs jasper as a stead or who whatsoever when i have friends to rib and enjoy my life with. yes, i may still feel the down of not having someone there, but at least there is satisfaction in knowing that i don't need a stead 24/7 like what they are because i have HEART OF GOD CHURCH!!!!!!

And also to allow people to love what you are not who you are. coz loving who you are is like loving david beckham because he's famous. Love me for my attitude. my idiosyncrasis. my what ever what ever what ever. so??
who other than God is capable of that?








Love me for what i am not who i am.
Agnetta.
101206.